http://emeraldfox22.livejournal.com/profile

That is the link to my new LJ profile- so when someone called 'emeraldfox22' adds you as a friend, thou shalt know that tis only me, for I have grown tired of thevacantstare and all the things that I've written in that journal.

See you on the greener side!

It fits fairrrly well... but Jez is unpredictable so you can never tell what she's going to do!

Spell your name out in band names or singers.

Rammstein

A Perfect Circle

Catherine Deneuve

Howard Keel

Enya

Lacuna Coil

Have you ever had a song written about you?
Nup

APPEARANCE
HEIGHT: 5"9'
HAIR COLOR: Brunette.
SKIN COLOR: Pale.
EYE COLOR: Chocolate brown.
PIERCINGS: None *is a coward*.

WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
Black trousers, blue top.
WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
Kylie Minogue: 'Confide In Me'
WHAT TASTE IS IN YOUR MOUTH?
Pasta
WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE?
Cloudy and cold.
HOW ARE YOU?
Meh.

BAD HABITS?
Paranoia. Are you laughing at me??

GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS?
Sometimes. Usually not.

CHILDREN?
Um NO thanks.

YOUR CD PLAYER HAS IN IT RIGHT NOW?
Switching between the TPOTC, Chicago, Moulin Rouge and James Bonds soundtracks, and Lacuna Coil.

THINGS IN YOUR ROOM:
Broken bed (don't get any funny ideas!) Computer, tv, stereo... playstation... vcr... multiple random ornaments and alot of books. (I'm running out of room! It's only a small bedroom!)

FIVE THINGS THAT ATTRACT YOU TO THE OPPOSITE/
PREFERRED SEX:
1. Mysterious eyes.
2. Intelligence without egotism.
3. Don't judge me.
4. Extreme patience with my shortcomings.
5. Don't patronise me.

Read the newspaper?
Sometimes. Mostly the local news.

HAVE YOU EVER:

Had medical emergency?
Um... not rush to hospital emergency...

Had surgery?
Minor.

Swam in the dark?
Nup.

Slept outdoors?
Yep.

Pulled an all nighter?
Yup.

Been on radio/tv:
Nup.

Been to a party?
Well DUH.

Gotten lost in the woods?
Yes. Thanks to my mothers' AWFUL sense of direction. I still haven't let her forget it!

Do you have any gay/lesbian/bi friends?
Yupness.

ABOUT YOU, TODAY.

Wallet:
Is lighter than it was earlier. *sob*

Coffee:
Gone off it.

Cologne/Perfume:
Dolce & Gabbana. (STRONG!!)

Cried?
Almost.

Bought something?
Clothes, book, Frescato, chocolate twist, bus fares, Nightmare Before Christmas poster.

Sang:
Kylie Minogue: 'Confide In Me'

Been kissed:
Nup.

Talked to someone you have a crush on:
Nup.

Had a serious talk:
Yes. *hugs stephy tight*

Missed someone:
Sort of. Maybe. No.

Hugged someone:
My dog? ;-)

Argued with a parent(s):
Nope.

Attend Church:
GOD no. *pouts over excommunication order*

LAST:

Thing you drank:
Water.

Place you went:
Cpmmercial Road.

Person you talked to in person:
My dog.

Person you IMed:
Stephy darling. *hugs again*

1. I’ll respond with something random about you.
2. I’ll challenge you to try something.
3. I’ll pick a colour that I associate with you.
4. I’ll tell you something I like about you.
5. I’ll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I’ll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I’ll ask you something I’ve always wanted to ask you.
8. If I do this for you, it would be appreciated if you posted this on yours.

Invalid video URL.
Dollwizard: Make your own custom dolls!

my internet could brightly decide to start working as soon as I make the post saying that I'll not be online for a while. Well phooey to NTL. I'm back!

(but in case I seemingly disappear again, at least you know why!)

My internet is down, and therefore my online time until it gets fixed will be restricted to whenever I make it to the library to use the computers. *grrr*

Things are not wonderful. My ankle is worse than it was last week and that is PAINFUL. Have been a bad girl. Long sleeves ahoy. *shrug* oh well.

Sleep has been ridiculously awful the last few days- mostly not falling asleep til gone 4am and waking up only a few hours later (usually I get 3 hours).

Trying to get through Mrs. Dalloway again... with more success this time. My book list for the short term being:

-Mrs Dalloway
-The Hours
-Dante- 'Purgatory'
-Sarek (star trek fandom ahoy)
-nineteen-eighty-four
-Schindler's List

And quite a few more- I'm trying to finish the books on my shelf before I go out and buy or borrow any more. That said, I'm cheating by borrowing The Hours today but after watching the film, I want to read the book when I've finished reading Mrs Dalloway- after all, what could be more appropriate?

Ho hum. The Hours still makes me cry and I really can't understand why. What I do know is that I find it easier to write when I've watched it- just as I find it easy to write after watching 'Quills' or reading 'Girl, Interrupted' (I read that again last night.) Something about watching or reading about other writers makes it easier for me to get into the swing of creating my own work.

Well, I must go. See you all online in a couple of weeks, maybe...

Anybody remotely interesting is mad, in some way or another.
Doctor Who

It is through creating, not possessing, that life is revealed.
Vida D. Scudder

Art is merely the refuge which the ingenious have invented, when they were supplied with food and women, to escape the tediousness of life.
W. Somerset Maugham

It is hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head.
Sally Kempton

Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.
H. L. Mencken

I don't think necessity is the mother of invention - invention, in my opinion, arises directly from idleness, possibly also from laziness. To save oneself trouble.
Agatha Christie

Death is as light as a feather; duty as heavy as a mountain.
Robert Jordan

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
H. L. Mencken

Existence would be intolerable if we were never to dream.
Anatole France

A woman is like a tea bag- you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.
Eleanor Roosevelt

The madness is catching. The madness is spreading- from me to you and oh look it jumped straight back again! *grin*

My muse wakes up and I kick its' butt, then it hates me for watching yet more DS9 (yay for newly-bought Series 3! That only leaves 1,4,6 & 7 to go! *sobs and breaksdowncrying*)

A little more gibberish, a little more silliness, and we might just have a full-blown nutcase on our hands.. That nutcase, being, me- of course.

Went to Ottakars for the first time in months today and felt thoroughly... stupid... for it. That place used to make me feel sooooo much better and was my little haven... What the hell happened? Suddenly the food in the cafe tasted awful and the book supply seemed pitiful.

*grumbles*

AH HAH! I have just this minute completed plans to see Nacho Libre with Eloise and Adrienne on Sunday... I haven't seen Adri in at least a year... EEK.


( Quizzorama! )

...appears to be interrupting my thoughts. I bought the film 'The Hours' and I wandered into the garden and cried. I need to read the book... But right now, I'm reading 'Mrs Dalloway' the actual book by Virginia Woolf. And it's having a greater effect on me than I thoroughly realise, but I can't say why.

Something in me is changing, and somehow this book is accompanying me through that change. It has something to do with my twentieth birthday, which happened on saturday- something irrevocable has occurred- something that has utterly reshaped my concepts of understanding. Within such a short space of time, things have happened- small things, but large enough in meaning to be considered an event within the small world of Me- that have touched by brain with the barest tendrils of understanding, that have somehow opened a strange new world for my mistempered thoughts to reside in.

Getting a job is still difficult- and I find myself painfully embarrassed at my lack of independent life- the computer course, though nearly finished, is proving to be one imperfection after another, every fault lying within the work I have produced being dug up to the surface, for all eyes to see.

But beyond that, beyond the physical, responsible world of work... what is this new change in me? What spark of blue flame that places me somewhere between hope, denial and despair?

I know not. But I know that I am changing, I am altering my very state of mind- everything will change soon. And though it may end up being a change for the worse, I welcome it. For then I should not wallow in this existence of self-pity; I would either sink lower and welcome death as I have done so many times before, or I should rise higher... where that higher place may be I do not know- it has been many years since I visited that sunny mead.

Hmm. 20 on saturday, and I fear the changeover greatly. From teen to adult- officially, anyway. I can see the looks on people's faces, the look that says: 'You no longer have an excuse to act younger than you are.'

Why do I feel that people will expect me to give up all imagination just because I step into a new decade in my life? I get no encouragement at home for my writing- dad says he likes that I write but if he saw half the kind of thing I write about, he'd freak and hurl multiple bibles at me while quoting exorcism psalms. He doesn't understand. No one in this damn house has a brain cell to understand anything I write. We're on too different a mind-set. They live in the dull, dreary, argumentative Eastenders world and I live in a place where fantasy and reality collide and meld within my mind.

Must I give up that fantasy, then, by turning 20?

It is a worry, and a ponderance for dark days.

For two weeks. I shall be on holiday! My mobile will be left at home, and methinks I shall be internet-less in Corfu, so... BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!


See you all in two weeks! :-D

Should be happy. Should be able to keep up a convincing level of joy and enthusiam for the coming holiday. Should be able to smile and laugh and be happy-go-lucky bounce cheery girl that I was (apparently- I can't remember) when I was a child.

Should be. Can't be. Quote Garfield: "Being happy takes up entirely too much energy." My bro, Carl, used to say that he wore himself out in school, keeping everyone else cheerful, and so after a few days of bouncing around being funny and happy, he'd drift into a slow state, looking rather down and exhausted. And for the last three/four years, I've known exactly how he felt- except that his enormous amount of energy is something I simply cannot grasp.

Everything is drifting. I am tired and yet not tired, so I cannot sleep and yet have no energy to wear myself out with physical labour- tidying, gardening, running etc- in order to MAKE myself sleep. The summer heat combines with the usual dizziness, lack of sleep and my ever-common feeling of drifting out of place and time, and in doing so, makes me feel like the reality outside is a swirling mass of shape and form, eventually folding into itself, so no one being, creature or object is definable from another.

Is this losing your mind? If so, then mine has been slowly drifting away from me for years- before college, before school, before I first stepped into the sceptical world of responsibility, angry authority figures and the grasping iron fist of reality.

Everything is swimming! Time, the universe, and I can't control any of it! I have no track of what is happening, no idea what I will do. Ask me to guess what I'll be doing in ten years time?!?! I don't fucking know! All I know is that I'm lost, stupid, paranoid, going out of mind in a way that people don't think it's real, but that I'm just an attention seeker.

So tell me, does talking about my problems make me an attention seeker? If I'm honest? Do I have to go into mute silence and hide up in my room listening to rock music and hiding cuts under my sleeves and never tell anyone in the world in order to NOT be considered 'EMO???????'

Nothing makes sense. Nothing. I don't know where I'm going, what I'm doing or who I am. I have no idea who I am. No idea. NO IDEA.

Y O U ... C A N ... O N L Y ... T Y P E ... O N E ... W O R D ! N O ... E X P L A N A T I O N S !

1. Yourself:
Fuckedup

2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend:
Nonexistent.

3. Your hair:
Shorter.

4. Your Mother:
*grumble*

5. Your Father:
KILL!!

Your Stepdad:
*meh*

6. Your Favorite Item:
Englaaaaand!!

7. Your dream last night:
Forgotten.

8. Your Favorite Drink
Vimto

9. Your Dream Home
Quiet.

10. The Room You Are In:
living

11. Your Ex:
Ex?

12. Your fear:
Age

13. Where you Want to be in Ten Years?
Underground.

14. Who you hung out with last night?
Imagination

15. What You're NOT:
Sane.

16. Your Best Friend:
Gone.

17. One of Your Wish List Items:
Diagnosis.

19. The Last Thing You Did:
Tidied.

20. What You Are Wearing:
BlacknBlue

21. You're favorite weather:
Stormy

22.Your Favorite book:
FireBringer

23. The Last Thing You Ate:
Ice-cream

24. Your Life:
Rut.

25. Your Mood:
Sleepy.

27. What are you thinking about right now:
Kaysen.

1) How old do you wish you were?
Anywhere between the ages of 0 and 4. Before school, before responsibility.

2) Where were you when 9/11 happened?
In school, oblivious to all things around me...

3) What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
I don't use 'em :-p

4) Do you consider yourself kind?
When I want to be.

5) If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
Top of my arm.

6) If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
Italian, Japanese, Russian.

7) Do you know your neighbors?
Nope.

8) What do you consider a vacation?
The one I'm gonna be on next week!!

9) Do you follow your horoscope?
Gawd no. Tis a pile of crap.

10) Would you move for the person you loved?
Depends where they wanted me to move.

12) Do you believe that opposites attract?
Yes, but it only ends bad.

13) Dream job?
Author, poet, shakespearean actress.

14) Favorite channel(s)?
BBC 2 at the mo, cuz of the Terry Jones history programs being shown. :-D

15) Favorite place to go on weekends?
Anywhere but this house!

16) Showers or Baths?
Showers!

17) Do you paint your nails?
Nup.

18) Do you trust people easily?
Never.

19) What are your phobias?
Growing old, being an invalid, being helpless... scares the crap out of me.

20) Do you want kids?
NEVER.

21) Do you keep a handwritten journal?
Not anymore.

22) Where would you rather be right now?
In a place where my daydreams become reality.

What happened to questions 23 and 24?
Someone stole them! *sends my army of tigers after them*

25) Are you paranoid?
Yes. Very. It's seriously affecting my ability to be happy.

26) Are you impatient?
Ohhhhh yes.

27) Who can you relate to?
In certain ways, a few people, in others, no one.

28) How do you feel about interracial couples?
*bombs every KKK member into oblivion* That answer you on how I feel about racism?

29) Have you been burned by love?
I tend to be the one to burn...

30) Whats your life motto?
"Dreams may be unrealistic but at least they're a place where I can be happy."

31) What's your main ringtone on your mobile?
Hymn of the Fayth :-p

32) What were you doing at midnight last night?
Going to bed. Got of the computer just as the clock struck twelve.

33) What did the last text on your cellphone say?
"On my way."

34) Who's bed did you sleep in last night?
my own

35) What color shirt are you wearing?
Hazy summer sky blue.

36) Most recent movie you watched?
Flatliners.

37) Name three things you have on you at all times?
Notebook, pen, imagination.

38.) What color are your bed sheets?
Pink at the moment... THEY MUST BE DESTROYED!!

39) How much cash do you have on you right now?
um... pennies. must get more cash out or I'll be walking to be computer course EEP

40) What is your favorite part of the chicken?
The part you eat, stoopid!

41) What's your favorite town/city?
My own. Though I may fall even more in love with Sidari when I'm on holiday next week.

42) I can't wait till:
NEXT WEEK!!!

43) Who got you to join myspace?
My bro.

44) What did you have for dinner last night?
Breadcrumbed chicken things and chips.

45) How tall are you barefoot?
5'9 (I love being tall)

46) Have you ever smoked heroin?
Nup.

47) Do you own a gun?
Had a BB gun once... was crappy so I traded for a swiss army knife. Far more useful!

48) What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
One of the berry smoothies I had in the cafe the other day... *droooool*

49) What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
Apparently my eyes make all the difference... ;-)

50) Do you have A.D.D.?
No, just my own brand of schizophrenia. ;-)

51) What time did you wake up today?
7am *dies*

52) Current worry?
Money, job, HOLIDAY IN JEAPORDY!!!

53) Current hate?
Too many things to be good for a person.

54) Favorite place to be?
In my own little world inside my head. I can do anything there.

55)Where would you like to travel?
Many many many many many places! One ticket to a world tour, please!

56) Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs?
Gawd knows, I can't even predict two hours from now.

57) Last thing you ate?
Toast. Yuck.

58) What songs do you sing in the shower?
Whatever's on the radio.

59) Last thing that made you laugh?
Flatliners, last night... I'm getting sadistic in my old age.

60) Worst injury you've ever had?
Meh... I've never had anything serious, not even damage from an overdose attempt was all that bad.

61) Does someone have a crush on you?
*shrug* probably not. I care not.

62) What is your favorite candy?
Chocolate...

63) What song do you want played at your funeral?
"Remember" by Josh Groban (TROY soundtrack) it's a bit cheesy but it means alot to me.